at the cross roads

At the cross roads

August 15, 2006—my spiritual birthday, the day I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. From that day on my life started to change and I was determined to follow His will for my life.

I enjoyed the first few months of my spiritual journey as a baby Christian and I learned more about God by reading and meditating His words. One of the things I learned is to patiently wait for my LTP (lifetime partner). In short, not to engage yet in a BGR (boy-girl relationship) especially that I’m still a student and still young. Our church however, does not force us to do us but it does teach matters like keeping one’s purity. Without a doubt, I followed such teaching.

One day, Rustan came into my life. For months we became friends until we realized that we’re starting to fall in love with each other. He then became my boyfriend in a long-distance relationship since I’m studying in Mindanao State University (MSU), Marawi City, a place too far from our place, Compostela Valley.

I believed that I hurt God of what I’ve done because He’s no longer my priority. Before, I didn’t miss to spend time in praying but when Rustan came, my praying time slowly vanished. In spite of that, I still continued to attend Sunday fellowships, bible studies, and other activities of the church hoping that through that God will be convinced that He’s still my priority (though deep inside I know He’s not). But it turned out to be different. The more I attended church activities, the more I was convinced that what I did was really wrong. I will not really know God if Rustan remains in the picture.

I started to feel guilty, different from the kind of guilt I felt from my past mistakes in life it’s up to you whether you’ll consider my act as mistake or not). Confusion haunts me day and night. But since I know that God has the best plans for me, I decided to break up my relationship with Rustan. I was hurt of course plus with the fact that he’s my first boyfriend. As what others say, “The first cut is the deepest.”

But Rustan could not understand me. “I know that you love me but why you’re doing this to me?” he asked. I could not tell him that it’s God who’s telling me to do so, I mean through meditating His word, because although he’s a Christian, I know he’s not that rooted to God’s word. And I’m afraid he could not understand. I’m afraid that he will blame God for my decision.

I tried not to be convinced by him but I failed. After months of pursuing me, I finally give in. We started to rebuild our once broken relationship. But God really works. The more we love each other, the more I became bothered inside.

In our boarding house, I am in a room with Christian roommates. Among the five of us, it’s only I who was engaged in BGR. They were not involved even once in their lives. They rebuked me but I accepted everything with a kind heart. I never quarreled with them because I understand their point. However, as days went by, their rebukes made me feel that I am the most sinful among us and that pressured me more. That’s why again, I decided to say goodbye to Rustan. That became a routine—on-off, on-off relationship.

Just recently, I again proposed a break up. I reasoned out that I was already tired of our long-distance relationship. He called me and unexpectedly he said, “Are you really tired or you’re just afraid to fight for your feelings? You know what Ngit (our endearment), you’re so coward. I know that you love me but why you allow other people to dictate you? All I want is for you to fight for me as your boyfriend!” His long statement shut up my mouth and I could not help but cry.

There was really a great dilemma. Will I follow those people who say that we have to follow our hearts because it knows all things? Will I just throw away the privilege of loving and being loved in return? Oh, I could not afford to give him up. His total absence will surely be a death for me. But could I afford to disobey God, the maker of everything, the one who gives me life, and the one who can send a man for me even more than Rustan? Oh, I thought that when you want something, the entire universe conspires in helping you achieve it. It seems that it’s not. Huh, I’m at the cross roads and I don’t know where to go.

In my agony I called on to God and said, “I want both of You and Rustan in my life. I don’t want to choose between the two of you. I don’t want to sacrifice one of you.” But I was reminded of God’s word that says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure…” I just cried and cried because I know that no matter how I wrestle with God, I will still end up a loser. Indeed, many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Now, I finally know whom to follow and whom to choose. I finally know in which road to go.